I am already crying and I haven't even typed a word yet. This has been such a difficult journey and my emotions go from being heartbroken to relief knowing he is not in pain, to joy when I see a part of him in the 3 beautiful gifts he left for us on this Earth. The kids seem to be doing ok and stepping in when I ask. They have complied with my "head of the household" decisions and have been very caring when I want to share a story or just be. They have each other and I know that they are have me too!
I was so touched by the people who came to pay the family their respects. There were people from Tom's class that introduced themselves to me as well as people he had worked with in his various jobs, people from our community and of course our "framily"!. Both of our parents introduced friends & some of their classmates, our distant relatives (meaning 2nd cousins & the Canucks), and a classmate of mine that I haven't seen in about 20 years. As many stood in line to give their condolences a memory would pop in my head that I had to share with them. It was good therapy for me to return a word/memory about how much they meant to Tom as well.
In this past week I have taken my time to go through the cards sent and moved at a turtles speed. I feel exhausted and know that this is just a part of the grief process, just the start. I have made many phone call and started to move accounts over to my name. I knew this would take a while, but I am just beginning to understand all the things Tom did for our family that I have not thought about in years. As many of you know he was the organized one in our household. A month back we went into our office and he was helping me with the bills. I live in organized chaos so papers/folder strewn everywhere is my "normal" Tom sat beside me and after a few minutes of me "finding" papers he looked at me and said "Oh baby, this is what I am so worried about" I looked at him and smiled and replied "It may not be done the way you would do it but I'll get it done, I've got this"
Thank you all for your love and prayers; not sure how I'd make it through without each of you! I have continued to have so much support from both friends and family. They have helped around the house and planning the next event. I am now focusing on Cody's open house and am glad that I have something to keep my mind occupied. This is also helping me to be motivated to do stuff around the house. I think that otherwise I would let the world go by for a while and I am not sure that is the healthiest thing in too much moderation! I will work to make him proud of what he's started. One of his last trips out of the hospital as we were on our way home Tom stated that he just wanted me to be happy.....I'll try for you.....I'll try. What helps me is knowing that this is not our final goodbye. There are still things to be done on this Earth, children to support and yet raise. However, someday I know that he is waiting for me to meet him where he will forever be pain free! I wrote this about a week ago and posted it on Facebook but thought it would be a appropriate way to end this blog:
I am Yours and You are Mine
A girl met a boy when in their late teens fate made its mark
A true love story when love lit the spark
She was 16 going on 17 and he almost 20 years old
A lifetime that they would have, neither one of them could have foretold
I am Yours and You are Mine
A couple years of dating it became serious quite fast
We were so young many people didn’t think it would last
We plowed onto together, always a partnership, hand in hand
Life had its bumps but on our feet we would land
I am Yours and You are Mine
Our wedding day was wonderful bright smiles & happy tears
We had great fun playing in Michigan for about 6 years
Then we bought our first home and had a bouncing baby boy
You so confident in your new role as a father which brought me great joy
I am Yours and You are Mine
Fourteen month later we became a family of four
You worked so hard & I was a more confident mom in our little home in Dorr
You loved your boys it was so plain to see
A few years later we completed our family with baby number three
I am Yours and You are Mine
We had some hard times too this I can not deny
Life had it challenges but we always seemed to get by
Many times I teased you and said you made me laugh more than cry
Always working for our family & playing hard too giving life your best try
I am Yours and You are Mine
Cancer took its best from you but you wouldn’t stay down
I did not hear you complain nor live life with a frown
You made the best of your years, you gave it all you had
Making memories for your family a great husband & dad
I am Yours and You are Mine
Even through your sickness you gave to your community too
Being involved in EMS, Relay for Life, Boosters President to name a few
A mark you would leave not realizing the footprints you would set
Amazing many with your drive more than we will ever know I bet
I am Yours and You are Mine
Twenty six years of marriage we were able to share
Living life to the fullest while giving Cancer its biggest dare
In sickness and health until death do us part
Knowing that someday in Heaven again I’ll give you my heart
because I know that forever I am Yours and You are Mine
Friday, June 12, 2015
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Preprations
I have not been able to get through all the text, phone calls, and comments on Facebook. It has been a difficult day. I have spent the day preparing to say my final goodbye with my children by my side. The plans have been set and are as follows:
Viewing on Saturday June 6 from 2 - 4 and also from 6 - 8
Kubiak Cook
Wayland Chapel
312 N. Main St., Wayland, MI 49348
Memorial Service Sunday June 7 @ 2:30 with lunch to follow
Wayland Methodist Church
200 Church St, Wayland, MI 49348
Thank you again for your support & the loving comments that I was able to read. I know our family is surrounded with love!
Viewing on Saturday June 6 from 2 - 4 and also from 6 - 8
Kubiak Cook
Wayland Chapel
312 N. Main St., Wayland, MI 49348
Memorial Service Sunday June 7 @ 2:30 with lunch to follow
Wayland Methodist Church
200 Church St, Wayland, MI 49348
Thank you again for your support & the loving comments that I was able to read. I know our family is surrounded with love!
My Beloved
It is with a heavy heart and great sadness that I must announce my love has passed away this morning @ 2:35. Thank you for respecting our need for family time. More will be announced at a later date.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Serenity
It has been another difficult week, I will not sugar coat it and tell everyone that I'm doing "Fine" Tom's new word is OK and that is at his best. This week I've realized that he should not be left alone. He was pulling himself up the stairs using the railing like it was a rope. I told him that from now on he's not to go downstairs for pain meds in the middle of the night but to wake me up. He has been good at listening to me. However he seems to get confused very easily as we have gone over his med list and times again and again. The kids are also coming into the living room to spend more time with Tom. I see the looks they give me when trying to converse with him. I am not trying to make this heartbreaking, but to honestly say how life is right now.
After Tom's trip to get his infusion on Tuesday and the troubles he had, we made the decision to call Hospice. Wednesday morning I got up and sat in the living room for the longest time telling myself I have to make this call. My heart didn't want to, but I know that this is what is best for Tom. However, for me it's just another piece of reality that we are onto the final stage. Luckily I had a soft kitty in my lap who didn't seem to mind my mindless petting as my heart and head had their little fight. Tom had wanted the infusion on Friday and so Hospice could not start until we had decided to stop the infusions. Hospice came into our home today and we have signed the necessary papers.
I believe that someday when I look back I will be glad that we called them and know that it was the right time. In some ways this is a relief knowing that Tom no longer needs to leave the home to get his medical care. All medicines as well as any equipment can be shipped to us. Back on Friday Tom told me that he wanted a wheelchair to be brought up to the infusion room. This was the first time he did not make the trip on his own accord. It was hard to push (anybody at work that has seen me push our departments cart can attest to the fact I don't drive well). But also to realize once again the road we are heading down. He was in such pain while sitting there that I was glad this time I remembered to bring his pain meds, but they still were only knocking his pain down to a 6 - 8. On Friday I looked around the room knowing that this would be one of our last trips and saw all walks of life. Cancer is not particular to who it gets. I saw many older couples but the one that got me was a young looking couple. She was on the bed and her husband sat kitty corner from me. I thought "that could of been us 20 years ago" and almost cried for them right then and there. I try to remember how blessed I am to have Tom by my side for 26 years.
I told the kids to be ready for people to be coming and going from our home. Tom seems to be at peace with this decision, but keeps checking with me to make sure that I am ok with it. I am more worried about what it is doing to the kids. Part of Hospice service is that we will have a social worker coming to the home and I hope that this will help us all as we transition into this last phase and beyond.
I want to thank all those who have been so generous to our family and the kind words that have been said. I know that I have a lot of prayer warriors that are asking for peace for all of us during this time. Tom has been able to talk to many classmates and old friends have called or stopped by. It has been good/hard for him but I keep reminding him that these people need a chance to talk with him as much as he has things to say to them. Tom has stopped using his cellphone as his hands are too shaky to type. I have his service on for a couple more days and try to look at it once a day which is about as much as I look at mine. After the 7th the phone will officially be turned off.
When Tom was in the hospital the second time and we had our first discussion with Hospice my mind kept going back to one of the prayers I had on my bulletin board above my head in my room growing up. It was the Serenity prayer and it helped me through many difficult times as a young teenager and into my adult life. I told a coworker about that when I came back to work. She printed it out for me and I posted it above my computer monitors at work. I look at it many times a day and repeat it to myself:
After Tom's trip to get his infusion on Tuesday and the troubles he had, we made the decision to call Hospice. Wednesday morning I got up and sat in the living room for the longest time telling myself I have to make this call. My heart didn't want to, but I know that this is what is best for Tom. However, for me it's just another piece of reality that we are onto the final stage. Luckily I had a soft kitty in my lap who didn't seem to mind my mindless petting as my heart and head had their little fight. Tom had wanted the infusion on Friday and so Hospice could not start until we had decided to stop the infusions. Hospice came into our home today and we have signed the necessary papers.
I believe that someday when I look back I will be glad that we called them and know that it was the right time. In some ways this is a relief knowing that Tom no longer needs to leave the home to get his medical care. All medicines as well as any equipment can be shipped to us. Back on Friday Tom told me that he wanted a wheelchair to be brought up to the infusion room. This was the first time he did not make the trip on his own accord. It was hard to push (anybody at work that has seen me push our departments cart can attest to the fact I don't drive well). But also to realize once again the road we are heading down. He was in such pain while sitting there that I was glad this time I remembered to bring his pain meds, but they still were only knocking his pain down to a 6 - 8. On Friday I looked around the room knowing that this would be one of our last trips and saw all walks of life. Cancer is not particular to who it gets. I saw many older couples but the one that got me was a young looking couple. She was on the bed and her husband sat kitty corner from me. I thought "that could of been us 20 years ago" and almost cried for them right then and there. I try to remember how blessed I am to have Tom by my side for 26 years.
I told the kids to be ready for people to be coming and going from our home. Tom seems to be at peace with this decision, but keeps checking with me to make sure that I am ok with it. I am more worried about what it is doing to the kids. Part of Hospice service is that we will have a social worker coming to the home and I hope that this will help us all as we transition into this last phase and beyond.
I want to thank all those who have been so generous to our family and the kind words that have been said. I know that I have a lot of prayer warriors that are asking for peace for all of us during this time. Tom has been able to talk to many classmates and old friends have called or stopped by. It has been good/hard for him but I keep reminding him that these people need a chance to talk with him as much as he has things to say to them. Tom has stopped using his cellphone as his hands are too shaky to type. I have his service on for a couple more days and try to look at it once a day which is about as much as I look at mine. After the 7th the phone will officially be turned off.
When Tom was in the hospital the second time and we had our first discussion with Hospice my mind kept going back to one of the prayers I had on my bulletin board above my head in my room growing up. It was the Serenity prayer and it helped me through many difficult times as a young teenager and into my adult life. I told a coworker about that when I came back to work. She printed it out for me and I posted it above my computer monitors at work. I look at it many times a day and repeat it to myself:
Friday, May 22, 2015
Goal 1 ~ We Made It
School is winding down fast and Summer is fast approaching. Katie has completed her track season & unfortunately was not able to participate much as she was injured. She had her last spring Orchestra concert and has one more banquet & two more weeks of class before her Freshman year is officially over. "The boys" have both completed school for this year. Cody graduated last night! It is such a bittersweet moment to watch the child you have fretted, corrected, cheered, and yes even threatened move into the "adult" world. What a proud and emotional time. Kyle and Cody both have summer temporary jobs and will be working this summer in the Holland/Zeeland area. I keep singing the song ~ Ain't It Fun ~ and especially the lyrics that goes through my mind "Don't go crying to you mama 'cause you're on your own in the real world". What songs they play nowadays :)
Tom continues to struggle most days. His INR levels bounce from 5 to 8 & the Oncologist prescribed as of today twice a week a dose of Vitamin K pill to hopefully bring & keep that number down to 4. Tom's bili number has been an average of 11. Every Tuesday and Friday Tom goes to the Cancer Center for Saline infusions as he is not able to drink enough liquids to keep his Kidney functioning at an appropriate level. The goal is to keep Tom home & out of the hospital and to help him be able to be here for Cody's open house in June. The plan is to continue this treatment plan into June and then call hospice after the open house. Tom is determined to see family and friends one last time. We talked with the Oncologist today celebrating that Tom's first goal of seeing his son graduate has been accomplished.
This past week we had our 26th anniversary. It's amazing the difference in thinking about our celebration of last year. Last year we were in FL walking the boardwalk and enjoying the sun. This year we spent time together in our home. Tom had no appetite and only took two bites of the little cakes we had to share. I have told others in the past that I would do this all over again in a minute. However, I do have to admit that I am glad I was blissfully unaware of where we would be today. Tom has stopped using Facebook and mostly his phone as his shaking has gotten so bad that it frustrates him to talk/type. His interest in the "world" has diminished and he uses his energy to talk about what needs to be done for graduation and what I and the kids will need beyond that. With all the pain medications that Tom is taking it has greatly affected his speech. He seems to always have a dry mouth and does not enunciate his words as before. Tom claims that everything sounds so loud. He speaks very softly due to this & with my hearing I feel terrible asking him to repeat himself when the task of talking is already difficult. Tom also seems to have difficulty processing thoughts. I will ask him a question and many times I need to repeat or wait while he tries to figure out his answer. A few times I have asked him and question and a while later (it feels like it's out of the blue to me) he will have a short answer. I have learned that even though I have let the question go, he seems to process it all the while I'm onto something else.
I have done my best to try to prepare myself and the kids that time is running short. I admitted to Katie last weekend: "It's so hard to watch your dad struggle, but yet I'm not ready to say goodbye. I would like to pick ~ none of the above~ but that is not how it goes...Either way Cancer Sucks" Kyle and I had a serious conversation about how Tom is struggling with life. Last night as I woke up in the middle of the night and released my tears I reminded myself again though I will get through this, it will not be easy. I think it was a good thing to have a good cry and at least this time I was not driving!
Last night after Cody walked off the stage Tom leaned over to me & said "We made it"!
Lamentations 2:19 "Rise in the night and cry to your God. Pour out your hearts like water to the Lord; lift up your hands to him"
Tom continues to struggle most days. His INR levels bounce from 5 to 8 & the Oncologist prescribed as of today twice a week a dose of Vitamin K pill to hopefully bring & keep that number down to 4. Tom's bili number has been an average of 11. Every Tuesday and Friday Tom goes to the Cancer Center for Saline infusions as he is not able to drink enough liquids to keep his Kidney functioning at an appropriate level. The goal is to keep Tom home & out of the hospital and to help him be able to be here for Cody's open house in June. The plan is to continue this treatment plan into June and then call hospice after the open house. Tom is determined to see family and friends one last time. We talked with the Oncologist today celebrating that Tom's first goal of seeing his son graduate has been accomplished.
This past week we had our 26th anniversary. It's amazing the difference in thinking about our celebration of last year. Last year we were in FL walking the boardwalk and enjoying the sun. This year we spent time together in our home. Tom had no appetite and only took two bites of the little cakes we had to share. I have told others in the past that I would do this all over again in a minute. However, I do have to admit that I am glad I was blissfully unaware of where we would be today. Tom has stopped using Facebook and mostly his phone as his shaking has gotten so bad that it frustrates him to talk/type. His interest in the "world" has diminished and he uses his energy to talk about what needs to be done for graduation and what I and the kids will need beyond that. With all the pain medications that Tom is taking it has greatly affected his speech. He seems to always have a dry mouth and does not enunciate his words as before. Tom claims that everything sounds so loud. He speaks very softly due to this & with my hearing I feel terrible asking him to repeat himself when the task of talking is already difficult. Tom also seems to have difficulty processing thoughts. I will ask him a question and many times I need to repeat or wait while he tries to figure out his answer. A few times I have asked him and question and a while later (it feels like it's out of the blue to me) he will have a short answer. I have learned that even though I have let the question go, he seems to process it all the while I'm onto something else.
I have done my best to try to prepare myself and the kids that time is running short. I admitted to Katie last weekend: "It's so hard to watch your dad struggle, but yet I'm not ready to say goodbye. I would like to pick ~ none of the above~ but that is not how it goes...Either way Cancer Sucks" Kyle and I had a serious conversation about how Tom is struggling with life. Last night as I woke up in the middle of the night and released my tears I reminded myself again though I will get through this, it will not be easy. I think it was a good thing to have a good cry and at least this time I was not driving!
Last night after Cody walked off the stage Tom leaned over to me & said "We made it"!
Lamentations 2:19 "Rise in the night and cry to your God. Pour out your hearts like water to the Lord; lift up your hands to him"
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Decision Time
Today I was able to take Tom back home. His Bili number has dropped to a 9 (from a high of 17) and his INR number this am stayed at a steady 2.9. This is in the normal range for a person who takes Blood thinning shots. He was very dehydrated and that caused his Liver & Kidney functions to spin out of wack. Now that levels are acceptable he was able to be released and will need to go to GR twice weekly for Saline infusions to help him not cascade down that road. This is the easy part to talk about, but lets go back to Friday....
We had a visit from Tom's Oncologist on Friday and had a very difficult discussion. As I stated there is no chemo for Tom to take as his Liver is not functioning properly. U of M was consulting on whether to re-stint and try to eliminate the external tube, however this was ruled out by Friday. It was also offered to proceed with 5 radiation treatments. It was discussed as to what the radiation would do for Tom. It would in time lessen Tom's pain but it was confirmed that it would do nothing to prolong and fix the lesions in his liver. The discussion became, would you rather exert your energy on a "fix" or would you rather spend your time at home and with your family. As these outings are becoming excruciatingly hard for Tom it was a something that we took into consideration. We also had Hospice come in to talk about their services and "what they are about". It was clear to me that Tom had fought a very hard battle for these 7 years and that he was losing the strength to continue this fight. I wanted to scream "KEEP FIGHTING" but my heart saw his struggles and his decline in these past couple of weeks and my heart knew what to say even though I didn't want to. Friday was a lot of tears and hand holding and truths of what the disease has been doing to Tom.
When Tom came home on Sunday the kids were told first. They took it pretty hard, especially Kyle was broken up. I tried to explain that Dad wanted to be there and tell them himself. We talked about the future plan and what Hospice will do for dad and the family. We were all in tears but Tom assured them he was no going anywhere tomorrow. We talked about the kids responsibilities and how things were going to change and dad can't do all the at he did. Then at 6:30 we had Tom's family & mine over to tell them all the same thing at the same time. More tears were shed and the family thanked us for doing this for them.
Though a part of me still honestly wants to "fight" I know that we need to move to the next phase and I plan/hope to be what Tom needs during this transition. It is hard to explain all the goes through my mind, but I also know the support I have and with my faith, I feel comfort that this too will not be a something that I will face alone. As we have done for over 25 years, we will walk this path together until we part.
Psalms 55:22 "Give your burdens to the Lord. He will carry them."
We had a visit from Tom's Oncologist on Friday and had a very difficult discussion. As I stated there is no chemo for Tom to take as his Liver is not functioning properly. U of M was consulting on whether to re-stint and try to eliminate the external tube, however this was ruled out by Friday. It was also offered to proceed with 5 radiation treatments. It was discussed as to what the radiation would do for Tom. It would in time lessen Tom's pain but it was confirmed that it would do nothing to prolong and fix the lesions in his liver. The discussion became, would you rather exert your energy on a "fix" or would you rather spend your time at home and with your family. As these outings are becoming excruciatingly hard for Tom it was a something that we took into consideration. We also had Hospice come in to talk about their services and "what they are about". It was clear to me that Tom had fought a very hard battle for these 7 years and that he was losing the strength to continue this fight. I wanted to scream "KEEP FIGHTING" but my heart saw his struggles and his decline in these past couple of weeks and my heart knew what to say even though I didn't want to. Friday was a lot of tears and hand holding and truths of what the disease has been doing to Tom.
When Tom came home on Sunday the kids were told first. They took it pretty hard, especially Kyle was broken up. I tried to explain that Dad wanted to be there and tell them himself. We talked about the future plan and what Hospice will do for dad and the family. We were all in tears but Tom assured them he was no going anywhere tomorrow. We talked about the kids responsibilities and how things were going to change and dad can't do all the at he did. Then at 6:30 we had Tom's family & mine over to tell them all the same thing at the same time. More tears were shed and the family thanked us for doing this for them.
Though a part of me still honestly wants to "fight" I know that we need to move to the next phase and I plan/hope to be what Tom needs during this transition. It is hard to explain all the goes through my mind, but I also know the support I have and with my faith, I feel comfort that this too will not be a something that I will face alone. As we have done for over 25 years, we will walk this path together until we part.
Psalms 55:22 "Give your burdens to the Lord. He will carry them."
Thursday, April 30, 2015
ER Visit (again)
I have forgotten to mention in all the hustle about Tom that life is still going on at the Andrews household. Cody is in the final countdown of his senior year two weeks left....and he's ready for it! Kyle has a hand full of classes and he will have completed his college Sophomore year. Katie is in the midst of Track & was honored while Tom was in the hospital during the Scholastic award 2015 reception. I think that she has achieved a great Freshman year!
During these past couple of weeks I have seen a big change in Tom's character. He seems not to be able to focus or remember things that came easily prior to his hospitalization. He also struggles to engage in conversations, which may be the meds or a nurse pointed out to me, maybe part of his Jaundice...who knew? Tom has been so involved with the Boosters and is not able to physically or mentally handle the aspects that he did flawlessly before. Thank you to so many hands who have stepped up to help keep this organization running as Tom had envisioned/hoped for. Our little community had a nice reception on Saturday to thank Tom for his service for the Boosters. It was emotional and he did a great job keeping himself together as so many people came to participate and give him warm words of appreciation. Also during this time Tom lost his sister Lori. It was hard for him, but yesterday we attended her memorial to pay our respects and to support her three children. Life has given us some pretty hard blows lately!
Tom and I went to U of M on Tuesday to discuss what could be done with Tom's liver/jaundice situation. The car-ride itself was hard for Tom to handle & it didn't help that I grabbed the wrong prescription so he didn't have any pain medication. He was at a pain level of 8 during the day. It was discussed whether it would be beneficial for Tom to have a metal stint placed and if they could get rid of the external drain. This part is being referred to the GI's and there is still some discussion there at the U of M. Tom needs to have an MRI, but we requested that it be done in GR. Once the MRI is complete the treatment can proceed. It looks like Tom will have 5 Radiation treatments. He may need to have a steroid prep first as there will be some swelling that could further squeeze his bile duct before the tumor begins to shrink. All this should be in place by next week. Before we left on Tuesday Tom was poked yet again as the doctor ordered a full liver blood work.
We pulled into the drive at 5:00 pm and by 5:15 we had another call from the U of M doctor stating that Tom needed to head back to U of M and come to the ER as his INR levels were high. I explained that we had just gotten home and wondered if we could go the the ER in Grand Rapids. She stated that he would need a Vitamin K shot to help stabilize his blood. I asked the doctor to call Tom's GR Oncologist and have them call us with the procedures. She said that she would. Tom said that he didn't want to go to any hospital for the day and that he was just worn out. After about 3 hours I decided that maybe there was another consult and that it was not as critical as explained to me. On Wednesday night the same doctor from U of M called back and asked if Tom was admitted to ER. I told her no that we never received a call to be admitted. She explained that his INR numbers were high and that he was a high risk if there was a trauma and also that he could spontaneously internally bleed. I talked with Tom and we decided to wait until office hours to get to the bottom of this miscommunication the following morning.
Today I called the office and explained the situation. Tom was sent to get his labs done in hopes that the level had been lowered. However this was not the case. This afternoon Tom was called and told to head to ER. We are now waiting to see what the plan is. I am hoping that this will be an in & out procedure, but nothing has been that simple with Tom before.
I know my prayer warriors are out there and are probably ahead of this request to keep praying for a clear path for Tom's treatment. I want to again thank everyone for all the help that have given our family. It has been overwhelming to us. I am not one to ask for help, but I am getting it anyway with home cleaning, meals, and gift cards for our traveling expenses. Thank you thank you thank you angels for all your assistance! I am trying to be better to ask for help though this goes against my comfort zone.
But as for me, afflicted and in pain-- may your salvation, God, protect me. Psalms 69:29
During these past couple of weeks I have seen a big change in Tom's character. He seems not to be able to focus or remember things that came easily prior to his hospitalization. He also struggles to engage in conversations, which may be the meds or a nurse pointed out to me, maybe part of his Jaundice...who knew? Tom has been so involved with the Boosters and is not able to physically or mentally handle the aspects that he did flawlessly before. Thank you to so many hands who have stepped up to help keep this organization running as Tom had envisioned/hoped for. Our little community had a nice reception on Saturday to thank Tom for his service for the Boosters. It was emotional and he did a great job keeping himself together as so many people came to participate and give him warm words of appreciation. Also during this time Tom lost his sister Lori. It was hard for him, but yesterday we attended her memorial to pay our respects and to support her three children. Life has given us some pretty hard blows lately!
Tom and I went to U of M on Tuesday to discuss what could be done with Tom's liver/jaundice situation. The car-ride itself was hard for Tom to handle & it didn't help that I grabbed the wrong prescription so he didn't have any pain medication. He was at a pain level of 8 during the day. It was discussed whether it would be beneficial for Tom to have a metal stint placed and if they could get rid of the external drain. This part is being referred to the GI's and there is still some discussion there at the U of M. Tom needs to have an MRI, but we requested that it be done in GR. Once the MRI is complete the treatment can proceed. It looks like Tom will have 5 Radiation treatments. He may need to have a steroid prep first as there will be some swelling that could further squeeze his bile duct before the tumor begins to shrink. All this should be in place by next week. Before we left on Tuesday Tom was poked yet again as the doctor ordered a full liver blood work.
We pulled into the drive at 5:00 pm and by 5:15 we had another call from the U of M doctor stating that Tom needed to head back to U of M and come to the ER as his INR levels were high. I explained that we had just gotten home and wondered if we could go the the ER in Grand Rapids. She stated that he would need a Vitamin K shot to help stabilize his blood. I asked the doctor to call Tom's GR Oncologist and have them call us with the procedures. She said that she would. Tom said that he didn't want to go to any hospital for the day and that he was just worn out. After about 3 hours I decided that maybe there was another consult and that it was not as critical as explained to me. On Wednesday night the same doctor from U of M called back and asked if Tom was admitted to ER. I told her no that we never received a call to be admitted. She explained that his INR numbers were high and that he was a high risk if there was a trauma and also that he could spontaneously internally bleed. I talked with Tom and we decided to wait until office hours to get to the bottom of this miscommunication the following morning.
Today I called the office and explained the situation. Tom was sent to get his labs done in hopes that the level had been lowered. However this was not the case. This afternoon Tom was called and told to head to ER. We are now waiting to see what the plan is. I am hoping that this will be an in & out procedure, but nothing has been that simple with Tom before.
I know my prayer warriors are out there and are probably ahead of this request to keep praying for a clear path for Tom's treatment. I want to again thank everyone for all the help that have given our family. It has been overwhelming to us. I am not one to ask for help, but I am getting it anyway with home cleaning, meals, and gift cards for our traveling expenses. Thank you thank you thank you angels for all your assistance! I am trying to be better to ask for help though this goes against my comfort zone.
But as for me, afflicted and in pain-- may your salvation, God, protect me. Psalms 69:29
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
What If
Thank you to everyone who has shown support with Facebook, text, called, sent cards, provided meals, come to visit, etc. I can't say how much we feel loved and supported. I have talked with the kids and told them that there is support out there if they want someone(s) to talk to. So far I think that they have talked amongst themselves. I am not sure if they don't know what to say to me or don't want to burden me but either way they have taken in the information I have shared but have not shared anything further.
Tom had a stent put in his liver on Saturday it didn't take long for the doctors to state they still were not liking his numbers and looking at option two. On Tuesday Tom was told that he needed a drain inserted into his liver that would help to get his Bili numbers to drop. The tricky part is that he had already been a few days on Heparin and now they need to thicken up his blood for this surgery. This time he was under a General ansethesia and not intubated, which was very rough for Tom the Saturday before. He was prepped and by 8:30 pm all his numbers looked good and he was taken from his room for the procedure. It was about 11:00 when they brought him back to his room and he seemed to fair this procedure better than the ERCP. Since I had left so late from the hospital I told Tom that I would try to sleep in and be back to see him in the morning before heading off to work.
Wednesday morning before I left from home I called Tom to see if he needed anything before I headed out. He didn't say much and I asked if the docs had been in to see him. He said "We'll talk when you get here" Now, being married to Tom for almost 26 years I knew this was not good news. I also guessed that he didn't want me driving up to the hospital in tears or upset. I responded with "OK" but my heart sunk at this reply. On the drive I kept praying that God give me strength for whatever I was about to hear. When I got to the room Tom keep a even expression during out conversation as he relaid to me what the docs had said to him. They took him off the chemo effective immediately. His liver may or may not continue to function and in such a state there was no other chemo option for him. It appeared we were at this crossroad once again & neither of us wanted to hear what was being said. The Oncologist also wanted a consult with me the following morning at 8:00 am. I called into work and cancelled my dentist appointment and spent the day with my loved one. Trying to keep things as light as I knew how and looking out the window when I thought my emotions would overtake me.
Thursday morning I was back at the hospital bright early...again neither of us slept well. We first had a visit from Radiation Oncology who had more questions that answers. He was going to see what he could do for Tom (if anything). About 1/2 hour later the Oncologist came in to say that Tom's Bili numbers were finally going down. To review they were 15 when Tom was admitted, went up to 17 and then down to 14 after the stent was in place, then up to 17 after the drain was placed and finally down to 13.8. The Oncologist stated that she felt Tom should talk with Radiation Oncology at the U of M as they were aware of his complex radiation from a couple of years ago. No promises were made or roses were thrown, but we would grasp what we could. During his week Tom had a wonderful and very compassionate nurse for a few days in a row. He had mentioned to her that he missed his furry baby. Thursday morning she said that Tom had a special visitor. She had arranged for one of the hospitals Canine and his handler to stop by; what a smile they put on Tom's face. I think that made Tom's day, maybe his whole visit tolerable! By Friday Tom was taken off the Heparin and shown how to give himself shots twice a day. We were both instructed as to his drain care and he was on his way home.
Tom has come home a different person than when he went in a week ago. Tom seems to be overwhelmed and at times confused. I wonder if this has to do with the medications he has been put on, if this fight has fatigued him, or if he is just tired from this long hard fight with this nasty disease. Tom also had a visit last weekend from his "brother" Dan. These two have been friends since the age of 2 and even though we are over 4 hours apart, that didn't stop Dan from coming to check on Tom. Dan picked up Chris on his way to our house and the three amigos spent many hours together. I think this also lifted Tom's spirits immensely.
In this past week I have taken a few minutes to escape now and then and read my Kindle. Timing in everything and I noticed that when my Kindle is in the "off" position the advertised book is called "What If" I could do this for a million instances (as could so many of us). What if we didn't go to AZ and Tom had kept his GR Oncology appointment, What if Tom went to get his labs done a week earlier, What if his liver would not function at all, What if U of M is unable to Radiate, What if I did not have this much support, What if Tom did not have his beliefs, What if....
Tom had a stent put in his liver on Saturday it didn't take long for the doctors to state they still were not liking his numbers and looking at option two. On Tuesday Tom was told that he needed a drain inserted into his liver that would help to get his Bili numbers to drop. The tricky part is that he had already been a few days on Heparin and now they need to thicken up his blood for this surgery. This time he was under a General ansethesia and not intubated, which was very rough for Tom the Saturday before. He was prepped and by 8:30 pm all his numbers looked good and he was taken from his room for the procedure. It was about 11:00 when they brought him back to his room and he seemed to fair this procedure better than the ERCP. Since I had left so late from the hospital I told Tom that I would try to sleep in and be back to see him in the morning before heading off to work.
Wednesday morning before I left from home I called Tom to see if he needed anything before I headed out. He didn't say much and I asked if the docs had been in to see him. He said "We'll talk when you get here" Now, being married to Tom for almost 26 years I knew this was not good news. I also guessed that he didn't want me driving up to the hospital in tears or upset. I responded with "OK" but my heart sunk at this reply. On the drive I kept praying that God give me strength for whatever I was about to hear. When I got to the room Tom keep a even expression during out conversation as he relaid to me what the docs had said to him. They took him off the chemo effective immediately. His liver may or may not continue to function and in such a state there was no other chemo option for him. It appeared we were at this crossroad once again & neither of us wanted to hear what was being said. The Oncologist also wanted a consult with me the following morning at 8:00 am. I called into work and cancelled my dentist appointment and spent the day with my loved one. Trying to keep things as light as I knew how and looking out the window when I thought my emotions would overtake me.
Thursday morning I was back at the hospital bright early...again neither of us slept well. We first had a visit from Radiation Oncology who had more questions that answers. He was going to see what he could do for Tom (if anything). About 1/2 hour later the Oncologist came in to say that Tom's Bili numbers were finally going down. To review they were 15 when Tom was admitted, went up to 17 and then down to 14 after the stent was in place, then up to 17 after the drain was placed and finally down to 13.8. The Oncologist stated that she felt Tom should talk with Radiation Oncology at the U of M as they were aware of his complex radiation from a couple of years ago. No promises were made or roses were thrown, but we would grasp what we could. During his week Tom had a wonderful and very compassionate nurse for a few days in a row. He had mentioned to her that he missed his furry baby. Thursday morning she said that Tom had a special visitor. She had arranged for one of the hospitals Canine and his handler to stop by; what a smile they put on Tom's face. I think that made Tom's day, maybe his whole visit tolerable! By Friday Tom was taken off the Heparin and shown how to give himself shots twice a day. We were both instructed as to his drain care and he was on his way home.
Tom has come home a different person than when he went in a week ago. Tom seems to be overwhelmed and at times confused. I wonder if this has to do with the medications he has been put on, if this fight has fatigued him, or if he is just tired from this long hard fight with this nasty disease. Tom also had a visit last weekend from his "brother" Dan. These two have been friends since the age of 2 and even though we are over 4 hours apart, that didn't stop Dan from coming to check on Tom. Dan picked up Chris on his way to our house and the three amigos spent many hours together. I think this also lifted Tom's spirits immensely.
In this past week I have taken a few minutes to escape now and then and read my Kindle. Timing in everything and I noticed that when my Kindle is in the "off" position the advertised book is called "What If" I could do this for a million instances (as could so many of us). What if we didn't go to AZ and Tom had kept his GR Oncology appointment, What if Tom went to get his labs done a week earlier, What if his liver would not function at all, What if U of M is unable to Radiate, What if I did not have this much support, What if Tom did not have his beliefs, What if....
Sunday, April 12, 2015
It's Complicated
What I wanted to talk about is the kids finishing Spring Break and the week before how much fun we had in Arizona seeing sights and being in the warm desert sun. I still want to thank my parents for their generosity of getting us out there and toting us around and for my Aunt Ruth to have opened her home and allowing to be at home in her "loft" Looking back I can see that Tom was sicker than I realized. He made mention of the Sunday before of how he was feeling nauseated. By Thursday of our trip I noticed that his eyes looked yellow. I mentioned it to him, but he was "fine". By the time we got back home I tried to convenience him to call a doc ~ any doc. He told me that he was tired from the trip and ate more in one week than he does a month. Looking back I wonder how much I should have pushed (or told Kyle & Cody to put him in the car) even if it was against his will. The girls at work told me to have him get into the car and tell him "We're going for a ride"
This past Sunday I noticed how shallow his breathing had gotten, and as I couldn't sleep, realized how much he was getting up because of his pain. During the next day I bugged him enough so he finally gave in and let me e-mail the U of M nurse. She was on vacation and I got a response by Thursday. She wanted Tom to have some lab work done. It took Tom another day for him to get to the lab. So Friday he went and by the evening the Oncologist from U of M called our home and requested that he make his way to the emergency room. They preferred Tom to come to Ann Arbor but Tom asked to stay here in Grand Rapids. We arrived at 8:00 pm and Tom has had a series of procedures since. He likes to think the he'll be going home the next day, but I think reality is he will be here for a while. It's good for him to have goals though.
Tom was admitted for having blood clots in his left chest. This is causing pain under his arm and is also why his breathing has been shallow. They have also stated that the clots have formed because of the mass in his chest. He also had a blocked duct that is causing the Bile numbers to be high (not sure if I have the correct medical term). A person should be a 2 or 3 and he is at 15. Today they were able to put a stent in during his ERCP (scope). Tom has seen GI, Pulmonary, & Oncology docs during this visit.
Next week I am sure that all these teams will come together and talk with the team at U of M to plan his long term care. Until then I am taking it a breath at a time and trying to breath. I appreciate all the comments to our Facebook statuses and know there are a lot of prayer warriors out there keeping the lines open. I have talked with the kids and try to also keep them informed while trying to keep myself at a "calm" state.
On a side note, Tom was in an auto accident on his way home from the lab work. His truck took the crunch and I was glad to know that he was ok after the semi took him on and he was able to walk away. When he called me at work on Friday the first thing he said is...."Take a breath, I am ok" For now I will concentrate on taking that breath through this difficult time.
I do not have my bible with me today but will quote a verse that many of us know...
"The Lord is my Shepard" Psalms 23...many of you know the rest
This past Sunday I noticed how shallow his breathing had gotten, and as I couldn't sleep, realized how much he was getting up because of his pain. During the next day I bugged him enough so he finally gave in and let me e-mail the U of M nurse. She was on vacation and I got a response by Thursday. She wanted Tom to have some lab work done. It took Tom another day for him to get to the lab. So Friday he went and by the evening the Oncologist from U of M called our home and requested that he make his way to the emergency room. They preferred Tom to come to Ann Arbor but Tom asked to stay here in Grand Rapids. We arrived at 8:00 pm and Tom has had a series of procedures since. He likes to think the he'll be going home the next day, but I think reality is he will be here for a while. It's good for him to have goals though.
Tom was admitted for having blood clots in his left chest. This is causing pain under his arm and is also why his breathing has been shallow. They have also stated that the clots have formed because of the mass in his chest. He also had a blocked duct that is causing the Bile numbers to be high (not sure if I have the correct medical term). A person should be a 2 or 3 and he is at 15. Today they were able to put a stent in during his ERCP (scope). Tom has seen GI, Pulmonary, & Oncology docs during this visit.
Next week I am sure that all these teams will come together and talk with the team at U of M to plan his long term care. Until then I am taking it a breath at a time and trying to breath. I appreciate all the comments to our Facebook statuses and know there are a lot of prayer warriors out there keeping the lines open. I have talked with the kids and try to also keep them informed while trying to keep myself at a "calm" state.
On a side note, Tom was in an auto accident on his way home from the lab work. His truck took the crunch and I was glad to know that he was ok after the semi took him on and he was able to walk away. When he called me at work on Friday the first thing he said is...."Take a breath, I am ok" For now I will concentrate on taking that breath through this difficult time.
I do not have my bible with me today but will quote a verse that many of us know...
"The Lord is my Shepard" Psalms 23...many of you know the rest
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
How To Be
The snow has almost disappeared! We had 60 degree temps that melted most of the snow in the last week. It helped to soar everyone's spirits & though we are now hitting the 40's we all anticipate what lies ahead :) Kyle has now completely moved into the basement & has his own "man cave" He is very focused on getting better in his programming that even over Spring Break, he spent countless hours working on the next class project. Cody & Tom were able to again participate in the annual Bunny Hunt during the first Saturday in March. It was a sunny but cold day. Tom got one, but Cody didn't see any thumpers hopping around the fields. However, they both scored at the Prize table during the dinner & mamma loves her new roaster that Tom picked. Cody is on the final countdown to his high school career. He has been working out after school & trying to eat healthier but has decided not to join the Track team. Katie however has joined so we're back to supporting our child outdoors! She has picked her classes for next year & again will have a heavy course load. She has also started drivers training & will be on the road soon. I know that she will not be like her brothers who did not want to drive and we will be taking trips around the area to help her improve her skills. I have a feeling that she will pick the course to the mall (I'll be compelled to go along....twist my arm)!
I want to thank Tom's cousin Martin for taking him for his scans last weekend. It's nice to know that when I am not able to go that we have people willing to take Tom so that he is not alone. He said that the waiting rooms were practically empty and he was in/out in no time. It sure beats the alternative of being at the hospital for scan at 6:30 am which is offered during the week. Our trip was also a in/out deal today with the Oncologist. We barely got to the office when we were called back to the exam room. The nurse said again how much better Tom is looking at this visit. All his scans came back stable with no new growths. This means that the higher dosage is working to slow the cancerous growth. She also gave me some of Tom's statistics (since I'm a numbers person I could relate) Just thought it would be interesting to share: in 2007 Tom's Calcitonin was 16,521 when he was first diagnosed, in May '12 when Tom was taken off the clinical trial it was 57,000 & today it's down to 12,000. Also that his CEA has also dropped to 2485 from a high of 5291 in December '14. These are the two markers that the studies used to determine where his cancer stands. Both she and Dr. Worden were very pleased as to how Tom is responding to the chemo. They are concerned about his liver functions & the longevity of of the chemo. There is a new chemo that Tom could try once his current chemo runs it's course....but for now we will stick with what is working.
It was a beautiful drive today and I think for once it took longer to drive there or back than it did to sit in the exam room. I enjoyed having my hubby's attention all to myself. We are due back in June with Tom seeing an Oncologist here in GR monthly between. On our drive we talked about many things and our conversations went from light & funny to serious topics. I am glad that we feel comfortable talking about things that only a couple of years ago could spin me in a depressive state. I believe that our open conversations and my faith has helped me to walk through these very real topics. I was also able to visit my 98 year old Grandmother this past week. We had a great conversation and talked about our scathed lives. I had to smile when she told me that for many years she wakes up and before she gets out of bed thinks "I will be happy today" In this past week I have said that to myself many times throughout the day. What wise words & sound advice. I have always looked up to her and how she has handled life...Lord help me to follow in the steps of this wise woman. When I read Proverbs 31 my mind goes to her & my beautiful mother. I have had some big shoes to fill as a mother!
Proverbs 31:25-26 "She is a woman of strength and dignity, and has no fear of old age. When she speaks, her words are wise"
I want to thank Tom's cousin Martin for taking him for his scans last weekend. It's nice to know that when I am not able to go that we have people willing to take Tom so that he is not alone. He said that the waiting rooms were practically empty and he was in/out in no time. It sure beats the alternative of being at the hospital for scan at 6:30 am which is offered during the week. Our trip was also a in/out deal today with the Oncologist. We barely got to the office when we were called back to the exam room. The nurse said again how much better Tom is looking at this visit. All his scans came back stable with no new growths. This means that the higher dosage is working to slow the cancerous growth. She also gave me some of Tom's statistics (since I'm a numbers person I could relate) Just thought it would be interesting to share: in 2007 Tom's Calcitonin was 16,521 when he was first diagnosed, in May '12 when Tom was taken off the clinical trial it was 57,000 & today it's down to 12,000. Also that his CEA has also dropped to 2485 from a high of 5291 in December '14. These are the two markers that the studies used to determine where his cancer stands. Both she and Dr. Worden were very pleased as to how Tom is responding to the chemo. They are concerned about his liver functions & the longevity of of the chemo. There is a new chemo that Tom could try once his current chemo runs it's course....but for now we will stick with what is working.
It was a beautiful drive today and I think for once it took longer to drive there or back than it did to sit in the exam room. I enjoyed having my hubby's attention all to myself. We are due back in June with Tom seeing an Oncologist here in GR monthly between. On our drive we talked about many things and our conversations went from light & funny to serious topics. I am glad that we feel comfortable talking about things that only a couple of years ago could spin me in a depressive state. I believe that our open conversations and my faith has helped me to walk through these very real topics. I was also able to visit my 98 year old Grandmother this past week. We had a great conversation and talked about our scathed lives. I had to smile when she told me that for many years she wakes up and before she gets out of bed thinks "I will be happy today" In this past week I have said that to myself many times throughout the day. What wise words & sound advice. I have always looked up to her and how she has handled life...Lord help me to follow in the steps of this wise woman. When I read Proverbs 31 my mind goes to her & my beautiful mother. I have had some big shoes to fill as a mother!
Proverbs 31:25-26 "She is a woman of strength and dignity, and has no fear of old age. When she speaks, her words are wise"
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Love Is....
The sun is shining today making it look beautiful outside but it is totally deceiving....the high today is 5 degrees here is MI. Kyle has decided that work and a full college schedule is too much. He is a lot like his mom where he struggles with worrying about the things he can't control. He has relaxed after making his decision to concentrate only on his studies and I am glad to see that his stress level is down a few notches. Cody was feeling a little jipped that he was not getting snow days during his Senior year, but not to fear, there have been a few in January to make him feel better. He has been working out with the Boys Track team and we'll see if he decides to try out for Track this year. Katie is enjoying her high school career, but I do see her stress a little with some of her classes. I know that she can make it and will look back glad that she pushed herself with the classes she chose. Last weekend she attended the Snowcoming dance, and she looked beautiful. It's hard to see my baby looking all grown up!
For doubling the chemo, I have not noticed a big difference in Tom's typical day. He continues to struggle with pain and sleeping but the prescription that the GR Oncologist gave him last month seems to be helping in his up and down cycle of pain. He does not like to admit that he is even having a hard day & I have heard a few times when I ask how he's doing....wonderful. He pushes himself more than anyone I've known. I wish that I had half of his stamina to handle this disease with such a positive attitude. Last Friday he again saw the Oncologist here in GR and did not come back much of anything different to report. We keep in the back of our minds that next month we head back to AA to get the next scheduled scans and hopefully good results.
Yesterday was Valentine's Day & my hubby made sure that I felt very special once again. I went through the day reassured that I was loved. I was also glad that though the weather was not very cooperative, we were able to enjoy dinner with Tom's cousin and his lovely bride. We had a nice night out together catching up.
I know that when we are in the everyday bump and grind that we're not always looking out at the world with love starry eyes. However, it was confirmed (what I already knew) that he appreciated me and that he loved me. I did my best to reciprocate. All in all I reminded again about the acts of love and the importance of confirmation we all need. Sometimes my mind goes back to the very early days that we were still getting to know one another. I was head over heals in love with Tom, but I was not willing to tell him that at that time. We were walking into one of your favorite restaurants and he told me he wanted my heart. I told he he had a quarter and he said, that's not enough I want the whole thing. Funny that I almost said a line like "You had me at hello"! After spending 28 years with this man I have a hard time imagining life any other way. We get one chance to show those around us what they mean to us and share the love we feel. I attempt to show my love in the little things I do, that could go unnoticed, but I know that many times they don't. We all have our unique ways to show what Love is.
Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them bind them around you neck, write them on the tablet of your heart ~ Proverbs 3:3
For doubling the chemo, I have not noticed a big difference in Tom's typical day. He continues to struggle with pain and sleeping but the prescription that the GR Oncologist gave him last month seems to be helping in his up and down cycle of pain. He does not like to admit that he is even having a hard day & I have heard a few times when I ask how he's doing....wonderful. He pushes himself more than anyone I've known. I wish that I had half of his stamina to handle this disease with such a positive attitude. Last Friday he again saw the Oncologist here in GR and did not come back much of anything different to report. We keep in the back of our minds that next month we head back to AA to get the next scheduled scans and hopefully good results.
Yesterday was Valentine's Day & my hubby made sure that I felt very special once again. I went through the day reassured that I was loved. I was also glad that though the weather was not very cooperative, we were able to enjoy dinner with Tom's cousin and his lovely bride. We had a nice night out together catching up.
I know that when we are in the everyday bump and grind that we're not always looking out at the world with love starry eyes. However, it was confirmed (what I already knew) that he appreciated me and that he loved me. I did my best to reciprocate. All in all I reminded again about the acts of love and the importance of confirmation we all need. Sometimes my mind goes back to the very early days that we were still getting to know one another. I was head over heals in love with Tom, but I was not willing to tell him that at that time. We were walking into one of your favorite restaurants and he told me he wanted my heart. I told he he had a quarter and he said, that's not enough I want the whole thing. Funny that I almost said a line like "You had me at hello"! After spending 28 years with this man I have a hard time imagining life any other way. We get one chance to show those around us what they mean to us and share the love we feel. I attempt to show my love in the little things I do, that could go unnoticed, but I know that many times they don't. We all have our unique ways to show what Love is.
Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them bind them around you neck, write them on the tablet of your heart ~ Proverbs 3:3
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Hello 2015....PLEASE BE KIND!
The start of a new year. The looking back of a year past (the good times, the hard times, the laughter and tears). The hopes of a new year, the promises it holds, and the resolutions we put on ourselves wondering all along if we will follow through. Let's all hope for a good 2015 and let life's ups and downs wash over as they may.
The younger two kids will be starting school again on Monday and I know that Cody's senior year will continue to fly by. Ready or not...this Mom and Dad need to get our plans into action! I remember when I was a youngster and my mother stating that as her first child went through High school and graduated time just seemed to fly by faster as we three kids got older. When I was 12 years old I didn't understand, but as they says "Mom's always right" and now I know what she means :)
Tom celebrated another birthday yesterday...this year less mobile than last. As his pains increase his sleeping decreases causing a downward spiral & a much slower lifestyle. Let's back up though for a moment. In December U of M presented Tom's case to the tumor board. The current chemo that Tom is on has failed. While it has kept some of his cancer stable other areas such as liver, bone & lungs have seen increased activity. Some of the legions on the liver has increased 25% from his last MRI. This resulted in the decision to double the current dosage of his chemo for the next 3 months. However, the chemo is causing a lot of the kidney function issues so his labs will be monitored closely to ensure the effects are not too dangerous. Tom also had his scheduled infusion yesterday (yeah, happy birthday my love) and saw the Oncologist here in Grand Rapids. Tom has had a bad couple of weeks dealing with pain and management has not been easy or always successful. They went over his prescriptions and added another pain med that should help Tom to keep his pains at bay. Because of the medications he is on and his organ functions he will be seen again next month in GR. They also increased his Zometa infusion yesterday and he once again had a hard time afterwards. He barely ate yesterday and even laying on the couch couldn't find a comfortable position. I felt so bad for him I wanted to cry.
This week as we rang in the New Year with friends and celebrated being able to keep awake past midnight. I enjoyed the companionship and the light atmosphere (taking first place in Euchre didn't hurt either) :)
I look back on these last 28 years with my loved one ringing in the new year, plans we made, the good and bad we walked together through, and the hopes we still "dream" about. I know that I have been much loved, forgiven for my wrong doings, appreciated for what I've contributed, and have attempted to reciprocate the same to my family.
I typically end with a verse but instead would like to attempt another poem this one to my hubby:
To A Wonderful Life
To the man that I love and made me his wife
He has worked so hard to give me a wonderful life
The children we raised and the time that we share
Are treasured in my heart and deeply buried there
Times has flown past and held both ups and down
But how you've made me laugh through them, I couldn't keep a frown
For so many dreams we shared from the start
So many made true so many from the heart
I couldn't imagine life another way
Feeling so blessed as we wake to another day
My dear husband how can I say how much I love you
Everyday how I am blessed to spend it with you too
Thank you my dear for a wonderful life
With all my love, your wife
The younger two kids will be starting school again on Monday and I know that Cody's senior year will continue to fly by. Ready or not...this Mom and Dad need to get our plans into action! I remember when I was a youngster and my mother stating that as her first child went through High school and graduated time just seemed to fly by faster as we three kids got older. When I was 12 years old I didn't understand, but as they says "Mom's always right" and now I know what she means :)
Tom celebrated another birthday yesterday...this year less mobile than last. As his pains increase his sleeping decreases causing a downward spiral & a much slower lifestyle. Let's back up though for a moment. In December U of M presented Tom's case to the tumor board. The current chemo that Tom is on has failed. While it has kept some of his cancer stable other areas such as liver, bone & lungs have seen increased activity. Some of the legions on the liver has increased 25% from his last MRI. This resulted in the decision to double the current dosage of his chemo for the next 3 months. However, the chemo is causing a lot of the kidney function issues so his labs will be monitored closely to ensure the effects are not too dangerous. Tom also had his scheduled infusion yesterday (yeah, happy birthday my love) and saw the Oncologist here in Grand Rapids. Tom has had a bad couple of weeks dealing with pain and management has not been easy or always successful. They went over his prescriptions and added another pain med that should help Tom to keep his pains at bay. Because of the medications he is on and his organ functions he will be seen again next month in GR. They also increased his Zometa infusion yesterday and he once again had a hard time afterwards. He barely ate yesterday and even laying on the couch couldn't find a comfortable position. I felt so bad for him I wanted to cry.
This week as we rang in the New Year with friends and celebrated being able to keep awake past midnight. I enjoyed the companionship and the light atmosphere (taking first place in Euchre didn't hurt either) :)
I look back on these last 28 years with my loved one ringing in the new year, plans we made, the good and bad we walked together through, and the hopes we still "dream" about. I know that I have been much loved, forgiven for my wrong doings, appreciated for what I've contributed, and have attempted to reciprocate the same to my family.
I typically end with a verse but instead would like to attempt another poem this one to my hubby:
To A Wonderful Life
To the man that I love and made me his wife
He has worked so hard to give me a wonderful life
The children we raised and the time that we share
Are treasured in my heart and deeply buried there
Times has flown past and held both ups and down
But how you've made me laugh through them, I couldn't keep a frown
For so many dreams we shared from the start
So many made true so many from the heart
I couldn't imagine life another way
Feeling so blessed as we wake to another day
My dear husband how can I say how much I love you
Everyday how I am blessed to spend it with you too
Thank you my dear for a wonderful life
With all my love, your wife
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