Serenity

It has been another difficult week, I will not sugar coat it and tell everyone that I'm doing "Fine" Tom's new word is OK and that is at his best. This week I've realized that he should not be left alone. He was pulling himself up the stairs using the railing like it was a rope. I told him that from now on he's not to go downstairs for pain meds in the middle of the night but to wake me up. He has been good at listening to me. However he seems to get confused very easily as we have gone over his med list and times again and again. The kids are also coming into the living room to spend more time with Tom. I see the looks they give me when trying to converse with him. I am not trying to make this heartbreaking, but to honestly say how life is right now.

After Tom's trip to get his infusion on Tuesday and the troubles he had, we made the decision to call Hospice. Wednesday morning I got up and sat in the living room for the longest time telling myself I have to make this call. My heart didn't want to, but I know that this is what is best for Tom. However, for me it's just another piece of reality that we are onto the final stage. Luckily I had a soft kitty in my lap who didn't seem to mind my mindless petting as my heart and head had their little fight. Tom had wanted the infusion on Friday and so Hospice could not start until we had decided to stop the infusions. Hospice came into our home today and we have signed the necessary papers.

I believe that someday when I look back I will be glad that we called them and know that it was the right time. In some ways this is a relief knowing that Tom no longer needs to leave the home to get his medical care. All medicines as well as any equipment can be shipped to us. Back on Friday Tom told me that he wanted a wheelchair to be brought up to the infusion room. This was the first time he did not make the trip on his own accord. It was hard to push (anybody at work that has seen me push our departments cart can attest to the fact I don't drive well). But also to realize once again the road we are heading down. He was in such pain while sitting there that I was glad this time I remembered to bring his pain meds, but they still were only knocking his pain down to a 6 - 8. On Friday I looked around the room knowing that this would be one of our last trips and saw all walks of life. Cancer is not particular to who it gets. I saw many older couples but the one that got me was a young looking couple. She was on the bed and her husband sat kitty corner from me. I thought "that could of been us 20 years ago" and almost cried for them right then and there. I try to remember how blessed I am to have Tom by my side for 26 years.

I told the kids to be ready for people to be coming and going from our home. Tom seems to be at peace with this decision, but keeps checking with me to make sure that I am ok with it. I am more worried about what it is doing to the kids. Part of Hospice service is that we will have a social worker coming to the home and I hope that this will help us all as we transition into this last phase and beyond.

I want to thank all those who have been so generous to our family and the kind words that have been said. I know that I have a lot of prayer warriors that are asking for peace for all of us during this time. Tom has been able to talk to many classmates and old friends have called or stopped by. It has been good/hard for him but I keep reminding him that these people need a chance to talk with him as much as he has things to say to them. Tom has stopped using his cellphone as his hands are too shaky to type. I have his service on for a couple more days and try to look at it once a day which is about as much as I look at mine. After the 7th the phone will officially be turned off.

When Tom was in the hospital the second time and we had our first discussion with Hospice my mind kept going back to one of the prayers I had on my bulletin board above my head in my room growing up. It was the Serenity prayer and it helped me through many difficult times as a young teenager and into my adult life. I told a coworker about that when I came back to work. She printed it out for me and I posted it above my computer monitors at work. I look at it many times a day and repeat it to myself: