Decision Time

Today I was able to take Tom back home. His Bili number has dropped to a 9 (from a high of 17) and his INR number this am stayed at a steady 2.9. This is in the normal range for a person who takes Blood thinning shots. He was very dehydrated and that caused his Liver & Kidney functions to spin out of wack. Now that levels are acceptable he was able to be released and will need to go to GR twice weekly for Saline infusions to help him not cascade down that road. This is the easy part to talk about, but lets go back to Friday....

We had a visit from Tom's Oncologist on Friday and had a very difficult discussion. As I stated there is no chemo for Tom to take as his Liver is not functioning properly. U of M was consulting on whether to re-stint and try to eliminate the external tube, however this was ruled out by Friday. It was also offered to proceed with 5 radiation treatments. It was discussed as to what the radiation would do for Tom. It would in time lessen Tom's pain but it was confirmed that it would do nothing to prolong and fix the lesions in his liver. The discussion became, would you rather exert your energy on a "fix" or would you rather spend your time at home and with your family. As these outings are becoming excruciatingly hard for Tom it was a something that we took into consideration. We also had Hospice come in to talk about their services and "what they are about". It was clear to me that Tom had fought a very hard battle for these 7 years and that he was losing the strength to continue this fight. I wanted to scream "KEEP FIGHTING" but my heart saw his struggles and his decline in these past couple of weeks and my heart knew what to say even though I didn't want to. Friday was a lot of tears and hand holding and truths of what the disease has been doing to Tom.

When Tom came home on Sunday the kids were told first. They took it pretty hard, especially Kyle was broken up. I tried to explain that Dad wanted to be there and tell them himself. We talked about the future plan and what Hospice will do for dad and the family. We were all in tears but Tom assured them he was no going anywhere tomorrow. We talked about the kids responsibilities and how things were going to change and dad can't do all the at he did. Then at 6:30 we had Tom's family & mine over to tell them all the same thing at the same time. More tears were shed and the family thanked us for doing this for them.

Though a part of me still honestly wants to "fight" I know that we need to move to the next phase and I plan/hope to be what Tom needs during this transition. It is hard to explain all the goes through my mind, but I also know the support I have and with my faith, I feel comfort that this too will not be a something that I will face alone. As we have done for over 25 years, we will walk this path together until we part.

Psalms 55:22 "Give your burdens to the Lord. He will carry them."