What If

Thank you to everyone who has shown support with Facebook, text, called, sent cards, provided meals, come to visit, etc. I can't say how much we feel loved and supported. I have talked with the kids and told them that there is support out there if they want someone(s) to talk to. So far I think that they have talked amongst themselves. I am not sure if they don't know what to say to me or don't want to burden me but either way they have taken in the information I have shared but have not shared anything further.

Tom had a stent put in his liver on Saturday it didn't take long for the doctors to state they still were not liking his numbers and looking at option two. On Tuesday Tom was told that he needed a drain inserted into his liver that would help to get his Bili numbers to drop. The tricky part is that he had already been a few days on Heparin and now they need to thicken up his blood for this surgery. This time he was under a General ansethesia and not intubated, which was very rough for Tom the Saturday before. He was prepped and by 8:30 pm all his numbers looked good and he was taken from his room for the procedure. It was about 11:00 when they brought him back to his room and he seemed to fair this procedure better than the ERCP. Since I had left so late from the hospital I told Tom that I would try to sleep in and be back to see him in the morning before heading off to work.

Wednesday morning before I left from home I called Tom to see if he needed anything before I headed out. He didn't say much and I asked if the docs had been in to see him. He said "We'll talk when you get here" Now, being married to Tom for almost 26 years I knew this was not good news. I also guessed that he didn't want me driving up to the hospital in tears or upset. I responded with "OK" but my heart sunk at this reply. On the drive I kept praying that God give me strength for whatever I was about to hear. When I got to the room Tom keep a even expression during out conversation as he relaid to me what the docs had said to him. They took him off the chemo effective immediately. His liver may or may not continue to function and in such a state there was no other chemo option for him. It appeared we were at this crossroad once again & neither of us wanted to hear what was being said. The Oncologist also wanted a consult with me the following morning at 8:00 am. I called into work and cancelled my dentist appointment and spent the day with my loved one. Trying to keep things as light as I knew how and looking out the window when I thought my emotions would overtake me.

Thursday morning I was back at the hospital bright early...again neither of us slept well. We first had a visit from Radiation Oncology who had more questions that answers. He was going to see what he could do for Tom (if anything). About 1/2 hour later the Oncologist came in to say that Tom's Bili numbers were finally going down. To review they were 15 when Tom was admitted, went up to 17 and then down to 14 after the stent was in place, then up to 17 after the drain was placed and finally down to 13.8. The Oncologist stated that she felt Tom should talk with Radiation Oncology at the U of M as they were aware of his complex radiation from a couple of years ago. No promises were made or roses were thrown, but we would grasp what we could. During his week Tom had a wonderful and very compassionate nurse for a few days in a row. He had mentioned to her that he missed his furry baby. Thursday morning she said that Tom had a special visitor. She had arranged for one of the hospitals Canine and his handler to stop by; what a smile they put on Tom's face. I think that made Tom's day, maybe his whole visit tolerable! By Friday Tom was taken off the Heparin and shown how to give himself shots twice a day. We were both instructed as to his drain care and he was on his way home.

Tom has come home a different person than when he went in a week ago. Tom seems to be overwhelmed and at times confused. I wonder if this has to do with the medications he has been put on, if this fight has fatigued him, or if he is just tired from this long hard fight with this nasty disease. Tom also had a visit last weekend from his "brother" Dan. These two have been friends since the age of 2 and even though we are over 4 hours apart, that didn't stop Dan from coming to check on Tom. Dan picked up Chris on his way to our house and the three amigos spent many hours together. I think this also lifted Tom's spirits immensely.

In this past week I have taken a few minutes to escape now and then and read my Kindle. Timing in everything and I noticed that when my Kindle is in the "off" position the advertised book is called "What If" I could do this for a million instances (as could so many of us). What if we didn't go to AZ and Tom had kept his GR Oncology appointment, What if Tom went to get his labs done a week earlier, What if his liver would not function at all, What if U of M is unable to Radiate, What if I did not have this much support, What if Tom did not have his beliefs, What if....